Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
