I just pynch a tree in the face
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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