I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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