clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
