i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
