I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I checked into jail on foursquare
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
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