This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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