Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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