My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
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