Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
