I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
