Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Basically we had a threesome in one room and a fivesome in the next room. Its what I like to call a win win situation.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
