I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
My liver just had a heart attack.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
