I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
