I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
