A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
did i walk over a car last night?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Randomize
