I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
