Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
