I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
