I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
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