Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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