Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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