explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
But we have bathrooms and they dont
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
