I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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