Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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