she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
His nipple licking is glorious
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