You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
