That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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