i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
