just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
