So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
