I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
