shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
