Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Randomize
