My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Randomize
