hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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