he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
