batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
