She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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