Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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