You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
