i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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