I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Randomize
