Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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