I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
