I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
