with your own penis?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Randomize
