"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
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