just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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