I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
