News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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